Growing up I never really thought about emotions other than fear and happiness. All I knew was that I needed to do well in school because that was necessary for the kind of future my parents wanted for me.

When I received a letter of acceptance, to the only graduate school program that I applied to, I was ecstatic. I needed to drive down to San Diego (a 5-hour drive) for an interview. At the time I had no reliable transportation, other than my parent's SUV that sometimes worked and I’ve only driven a handful of times. All my plans fell through and I ended up taking my younger brother (for support, as he didn’t know how to drive) and making the drive down to San Diego for the first time. Spoiler alert, it all went well and I am a few months away from graduating with my Ph.D.

I clearly remember my father telling me that I was brave for doing that. Was I? I didn’t feel brave. I just knew that it was something I had to do. Looking back now, I realize my achievements centered on two thoughts: “It’s not enough” and “I have to do it.” The cost of my achievements on my mental health was never taken into consideration, I didn’t even know that was a thing.

After I began to learn more about psychology and culture, I realized so many things that were not good. I grew up with anxiety, which I never even realized. It accumulated to such a level that I was returning home from school/practicum with zero energy and all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed and live there for the rest of my life.

I hated feeling like that, so then I got in contact with the university’s mental health department and booked my first therapy session. Here is what I learned in therapy…

• I am an anxious person.

  • At the time I had practically zero coping skills.

• I had wildly unrealistic expectations of myself.

• My culture had a huge impact on my way of thinking.

• I had no boundaries with my parents or siblings.

• Graduate school is hard and I don’t have to be above average on everything as the program expects.

• I have been waiting for “the right time” to do so many things.

It’s been about five years since my first therapy session and I am still learning. One thing that was very clear to me was that I was no longer going to wait. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me to accomplish something, I want to live a life I can be proud of. Saying things like “I’m broke, so I can’t” or “once everyone wants to go” or “when I have a good job” can no longer hold me back.

Sure, I can’t do the 2-week European trip I really want to, but I can picnic in the mountains, take my dog to the beach, try new food, practice self-compassion, take time off, reach out for help when I need it, and keep trying.

I have good days and I have days when my anxiety tries to paralyze me and wants to tell me all kinds of unrealistic lies. Since my first therapy session, I have learned much more about myself, my triggers, my anxiety, my relationships, my habits, etc. I have learned through trial and error. I learned from my classes, practicums, and my clients.

My relationships with friends and family have steadily changed for the better. I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I am not where I want to be (yet), but I am making progress every day.

Thanks to @em.j.art for creating this digital version of myself.