Growing up I never really thought about emotions other than fear and happiness. All I knew was that I needed to do well in school because that was necessary for the kind of future my parents wanted for me. 

When I received a letter of acceptance to the only graduate school program I applied to, I was ecstatic. I needed to drive down to San Diego (a 5-hour drive) for an interview. At the time, I had no reliable transportation other than my parent's SUV, which sometimes worked, and I’ve only driven a handful of times. All my plans fell through, and I took my younger brother (for support, as he didn’t know how to drive) and drove down to San Diego for the first time. Spoiler alert, it all went well, and I am a few months away from graduating with my Ph.D. 

I clearly remember my father telling me that I was brave for doing that. Was I? I didn’t feel brave. I just knew that it was something I had to do. Looking back now, I realize my achievements centered on two thoughts: “It’s not enough” and “I have to do it.” The cost of my achievements on my mental health was never taken into consideration, I didn’t even know that was a thing. 

After learning more about psychology and culture, I realized so many things that were not good. I grew up with anxiety and ADHD, which I never even realized. It accumulated to such a level that I was returning home from school/practicum with zero energy, and all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed and live there for the rest of my life. 

I hated feeling like that, so I contacted the university’s mental health department and booked my first therapy session. Here is what I learned in therapy…

• I am an anxious person.

  • At the time, I had practically zero coping skills. 

• I had wildly unrealistic expectations of myself. 

• My culture had a huge impact on my way of thinking. 

• I had no boundaries with my parents or siblings. 

• Graduate school is hard, and I don’t have to be above average on everything as the program expects. 

• I have been waiting for “the right time” to do so many things. 

It’s been about five years since my first therapy session, and I am still learning. One thing that was very clear to me was that I was no longer going to wait. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me to accomplish something; I want to live a life I can be proud of. Saying things like “I’m broke, so I can’t,” or “once everyone wants to go,” or “when I have a good job” can no longer hold me back. 

Sure, I can’t do the 2-week European trip I really want to, but I can picnic in the mountains, take my dog to the beach, try new food, practice self-compassion, take time off, reach out for help when needed, and keep trying. 

I have good days, and I have days when my anxiety tries to paralyze me and wants to tell me all kinds of unrealistic lies. Since my first therapy session, I have learned much more about myself, my triggers, anxiety, relationships, habits, etc. I have learned through trial and error. I learned from my classes, practicums, and my clients. 

My relationships with friends and family have steadily changed for the better.  I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I am still figuring out where I want to be (yet), but I am making progress every day. 

Thanks to @em.j.art for creating this digital version of myself.